Mid-calf Crisis

So I was sitting on my dressing stool the other morning, and as I was putting on my nice new olive socks, I imagined a conversation that might be had sometime later that day:

“Hey —–, nice socks!”
” Yeah, I’m too poor for a sports car, and too ugly for a trophy girlfriend- these socks are my midlife crisis!”
But no one noticed, so I didn’t even get to feel good about myself choosing not to share that with a fellow employee.
So I guess my question is, what’s the best way to repress these sorts of thoughts so as they never interfere with my presentability again?
yours,
Denver Area Rando Needing Emotional Reassurrance.
* * *

Dear DARNER,

I understand how you feel! I can’t count the number of times I’ve A) put too much stock in my socks, and B) had inappropriately self-deprecating thoughts at work. But I must say, it’s hard to believe that a fellow with his own bonafide dressing stool and slammin’ olive socks would have low self-esteem. Honestly though, I think you were on the right track by soliciting attention via your ankles—that’s considered a legitimate form of communication in Bulgaria, Luxemburg, and several Canadian provinces. But perhaps you just haven’t gone far enough with it? Olive is wonderful and all, but try stepping up your game with argyle or an Easter bunny pattern. If that doesn’t work, try pinning socks to the outside of your office door. Nothing says “I’m secure” like sock flags. And then when the compliments and praise start rolling in, you can practice acting superior. Don’t be surprised if you’re offered a promotion.

In the meantime, here are some low-cost alternative mid-life crisis management tactics you can try in lieu of trophy people and bucket seats:

  • Feng shui your office. There are usually some good mirror and water sales this time of year.
  • Get a goldfish. It will make you feel large and strong and free in comparison.
  • Wear some eyeliner and dress like Adam Ant in 1981. You will get so laid.

Good luck!

Mary

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