How did you get in here? Are you visiting someone in the building?
Ahhh! B_____! So glad you contacted me through this channel. Yes, I’ve been meaning to introduce myself to you in person, but alas, it is the busy season in the world of advice.
So, it appears that Fran didn’t let you know that this is a shared office, and that I am here during “off” hours 😉 I’m sure that will all be cleared up as soon as you call her. In the meantime, I’m in the business of giving guidance to the lost, and although it’s not my normal policy to offer my wisdom to those who haven’t directly solicited it through the blog, Imma help you out.
So, yes, I’ve overheard a few of the telephone conversations you’ve had while I was working, and it seems you’ve a veritable bouquet of juicy problems. It was difficult choosing between your extra-marital dalliances, substance abuse issues (on the clock, man!), and sartorial quandaries, but I’ve decided to keep the more serious issues to myself until you really need my assistance (so I can probably assume that you’ll keep my “unconventional” work schedule to yourself as well, yes?).
In any case, don’t fret, my good man, everyone gains a bit of weight at your age, and adjusting to that mid-life physique is a challenge we all face! It’s best if you just stay true to your sense of individuality and push those qualities that are unique to your personal style. For you, from what I can tell by my observations of your after-work “dates,” gold jewelry, oddly colored silk shirts, and too much cologne announce your individuality to the lovely ladies you woo with your hard earned cash (a tried and true courtship method). Just keep up the good work. In fact, keep it even upper. Silkier, even odder colors, and only the best pomade for you. Own who you are and you’ll feel terrific about it. And if you take my advice, you’ll continue to have the cash you need to woo those classy ladies—without disrupting your nice, stable home life!
P.S. I don’t think we need to use your actual name just yet, do you?