Lessons from the Blacktop

Like it or not, it’s looking quite likely that we’ll see Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump as the presidential nominees this summer. Much will be decided via the widely viewed debates that are aired on national television. In an ideal society, the candidates would calmly discuss their positions on important issues and give the voting public helpful information, but Trump has achieved unprecedented success using unorthodox debating techniques. In light of this game-changing element, I have generously offered up some free, unsolicited advice for Clinton on how to deal with Trump’s wayward debating style. Here’s a brief but amazing list of tactics:

  1. Dress appropriately: you’ll want to appear prepared and professional. Be sure to wear a helmet and a rain slicker.
  1. Use facts and reason to dispute Trump’s fear-mongering propaganda. Call him out on his use of logical fallacies and ad hominem attacks and trust the electorate to know the difference. LOL! Don’t do that unless you want to be a total loser!
  1. Begin every response with “I’m rubber, you’re glue…”
  1. Strap a full-length mirror to the side of your body that faces Trump so that he will see only his own tiny hands and Oompa Loompa skin every time he turns to address you.
  1. Trump is known for talking over his opponents and loudly interrupting them. Before you agree to enter a formal debate, make sure the network that will be airing the event agrees to turn off his microphone.
  1. Every time Trump tries to make a point that you disagree with, sing out FAAAALLLLLSSSE in you loudest, sustained mezzo-soprano (I’m guessing). You’ll appear cultured and elegant because of your love of opera, and Trump will have trouble spreading his lies to the American people.
  1. In each response to a mediator’s question, be sure to bring up Trump’s tax returns, regardless of their relevance. It could go something like this:

Moderator:     After the occurrence of deadly attacks in cities around the world,                                                    Americans have become increasingly concerned with the threat of                                                Terrorism. How do you ISIS when ISIS consistently ISIS under the ISIS                                          of ISIS?

      Clinton:           The best defense against ISIS is Donald Trump’s tax returns. Don,                                          didn’t you say you were going to release those? I thought I heard you                                    say that you were going to release those.

      Moderator:     Emails, emails, Benghazi emails, Gadhafi emails, indictment emails?

              Clinton:           Ha! With all these questions about my email it’s as if we’ve forgotten                                          that Donald Trump still hasn’t released his tax returns! It’s just                                                      ridiculous. Small hands.

So there you have it Ms. Clinton. It’s just like fighting fire with baking soda: It’s messy but it works. Take it from someone who’s politically, shall we say savvy? (Yes, yes we shall.)


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